I’m an extreme introvert and I have a terrible habit of picking at my cuticles and pulling out my hair. I do it unconsciously when I used to listen in class and when I’m thinking now. I get lost in my thoughts and suddenly I’m bleeding out my fingertips or many hairs are falling down on the floor. Many times, at the end of school exams, I would pick my cuticles so hard while thinking about the answers that some blood marks were left on exam paper and I had to wrap my fingers with tissue so the others wouldn’t ask me about the fresh red blood on my fingers.

The other day, I saw a YouTube video about introverts picking/ biting their fingers or flesh. It shocked me because it explained my long term habit so well. Extroverts talk loudly when they are anxious to express themselves. Introverts don’t talk but pick their body parts to deal with stress and anxiety. And me, an introvert who spent years trying to be an outgoing extrovert to fit into the social norm has recently found that I can’t be more content to just be an introvert.

It hit me so hard that I started to think about the deep down reason why I pick my fingers. Perhaps removing the imperfections in my fingers is a sense of relief to remove imperfections in me. I used to strive to be perfect when I was younger. Ironically, I strived for perfection so hard that I ended up hurting myself instead. Maybe it’s a way to deal with stress. Maybe it’s a way I cause myself stress because I feel more down looking at my bloody fingertips. Maybe it’s just a habit, a way to procrastinate. I break what I’m doing to touch my hair or examine my nail beds. I do it without thinking, but before I realize it, I am staring at my fingers.

My fingers are much better these days although there’s still a sensitive area around my crown where I pull out hair the most when doing computer work. My fingers are being taken care by my talented nail artist friend. Jd would put his hand gently on my hand to remind me to stop if he senses any finger picking movements. I don’t procrastinate that much with art because I love it so much. I’ll just get started and dive in. Art has taught me imperfection is perfection.

Share this with an introvert person who might resonate with what I shared. Thanks for reading my super long essay.