Lilith - I AM
Hi friends,
After talking about the connections with Grandma and Mom, I’d like to explore WHO I AM in this blog.
Unlike the full-sun loving roses and shade-loving orchids that are easily burnt by the sun,
I’m perhaps an in between range of all foliage plants.
I’m a mix of Eastern and Western.
I’m both feminine and masculine.
I’m the grand sky, high mountains and vast ocean.
I’m the planets in the universe.
I’m divine.
I AM WHO I AM.
Lilith
Before I go into my whole life story, I want to talk about a dark goddess that came into my life.
Also called the Black Moon Lilith, is a female figure theorized to be the first wife of Adam and supposedly the she-demon.
In some literature Lilith is depicted as the demonic offspring of Adam’s mother as Adam’s first wife. Whereas Eve was created from Adam’s rib, some accounts hold that Lilith was the woman made from the same clay as Adam.
Disrespectfully refusing to be subservient to her husband, Lilith left Adam and the perfection of the Garden of Eden. When given the choice between subjection and freedom, Lilith chose a life of solitude and was banished from paradise. Three angels tried in vain to force her return. Lilith is cited as having been "banished" from the Garden of Eden for not complying with and obeying Adam.
In astrology, Lilith holds the power of the dark and wild feminine energy that is present in all living things.
Lilith is associated with the untapped, dark feminine that cannot express herself under the pressure of patriarchy. This is the selfish, aggressive side of a woman that prioritizes her own well-being, her own desires, and refuses to cater to patriarchy and consider herself less worthy. The energy of Lilith can be hard to tame because it is rebellious, independent by nature.
The Lilith placement can reveal the truth behind our desires and impulses, particularly those that are hidden in your subconscious mind. Lilith displays the quality of personal independence and a refusal to submit to another or compromise one’s beliefs… as well as shows potential problems involving sexual fear, rejection, anger, and suspicion.
Black Moon Lilith provokes the hidden personality traits of people and forces their shadow selves into the light. She can also reveal how you let fear of rejection cloud your judgment and show where you seek control to maintain power.
Desire & Fear
It shows all the ways in which you can fearlessly express yourself and your aura energy.
All of the wild and taboo sides of personality can be found in Lilith, and this placement holds major power when it comes to the art of seduction, charm, persuasion, and getting what you want.
My Lilith is in Sagittarius in 9th house.
What does it mean?
When She is in the 9th house of an astrological chart, Lilith reveals their suppressed desires and personality traits related to mental expansion and acceptance of the truth they face when they grow as individuals.
The free expression and adventurous discovery Lilith seeks in the 9th house requires Her to break free from religious, cultural, or academic limitations.
People with this placement can refuse structures and rules imposed on them. They want to maintain their independence, but they often don’t manage to do this in a way that can be aligned with the rules of society.
Lilith is extremely self-willed. Issues with authority figures are frequent. The positive manifestation of Lilith in 9th house is being a unique thinker and reforming society, talking about taboo topics.
Troubles with education
Especially in academics, being forced to devote to a conviction may be a painful experience in their young years, causing these people to reject the beliefs and any faith. As they get older, they often realize that they have a completely different value system than what they were taught as a child.
Issues are the most expressed during higher education. Some of the life areas governed by it include higher education and universities, religion, foreign travel and cultures. The most important life area of the ninth house is the quest for understanding and growth. All matters of it serve the purpose of seeing the bigger picture.
As the saying goes, ‘Travel broadens the mind,’ Lilith tends to enhance these people’s experiences on that front. They are either strongly attracted to the idea of travel or utterly repulsed by it. And when they do explore beyond the borders of home, they are likely to meet foreign people who embody strong Lilith characteristics, such as the rebellion against patriarchy, creative eccentricity, and sensually seductive interests in sexuality.
The best way to learn for these people is by themselves.
Sometimes, Lilith’s persuasive power creates the tendency to convince others of the world views these people have and refuse to acknowledge another’s expertise or experience as a valid source of truthful information.
Lilith in the 9th house also indicates sudden or extreme changes in beliefs and includes the complete abandonment of the old. Most people with this placement, though, tend to lose faith in life in general and often resort to some form of pilgrimage. Lilith in 9th house suggests that there is a period when you question everything and rebel against the norms. But once they find their own life philosophy, their views are very hard to change because it’s formed through their own experiences.
Now, I’ve told you the stories of Lilith and how she affects us.
You will see how I embody her throughout my life in my education, foreign travel and relationships!
The beginning of my life
I was a fat baby.
I was so big that mom had to give up natural birth and cut open her belly to give birth to me.
I was the first kid in the family that got to enjoy all the attention and love from everyone. (I wonder if grandma made this little dress. I was a sexy baby!)
I was shy.
One of my earliest memory was me always standing at the front door of grandma’s house watching the neighbor’s kids play on the street, waiting for them to invite me to join. I somehow am still more passive in friendships now, waiting for friend’s to message me or invite me to meet up.
Then, my baby brother came to the world when I was about 5.
I was the proud big sister bullying my loving brother who followed my ass everywhere.
My dad was working abroad and absent for a great amount of my childhood time, leaving my mom and my grandparents to care for us. He only came back to live with us when I was in high school. You could see how distant we were with him. My brother on the right was crying not because of the dinosaurs behind but because my dad was holding him. He always cried out dramatically “Help! Save me. Save me.” whenever my dad held him when he was little.
I felt comfortable standing behind other classmates on stage,
but still secretly hoping to be seen by the audience.
I can’t believe I used to sing on stage.
I now think I’m tone-deaf and barely make a sound.
I wonder if I will be louder in the future. I want to be.
Grandma was the one pushing me to perform, to sing and to dance boldly. She probably sensed my deepest desire to be seen. She relentlessly took me to attend dance classes every week, barely missed a single one, even on typhoon days. She would drag me to dance classes.
Growing up being not the prettiest girl in dance class,
I quickly learned to be ashamed of my big belly because I loved eating so much.
I wanted to hide it but there was no where to hide with my tight leotard.
I felt dreadful to go to dance classes because I was the newbie and other more experienced girls would push me from behind. Being a sensitive kid, I constantly felt I did something wrong and I wasn’t good enough.
I told grandma what happened in class,
but nothing seemed to interfere her determination to make me a dancer.
I guess I then became an experienced girl and got more used to dance classes.
If you ask me what cultivated me to become an artist.
I’d say it started from my early childhood when I was dancing.
Now thinking back, I was heavily exposed to beauty, the costume design, the elegant movements, and the bouquets I received after shows.
I continuously danced and performed through out my elementary school years.
By then, I was quite used to performing on stages from time to time.
I wouldn’t say I was a good dancer, but I wasn’t worried about other bullying girls anymore.
My dance experiences got me able to join my school’s gymnastic team.
My sun sign in Virgo helped me to strive perfection in many areas of my school life.
I was often in the top 3 places in major exams, thanks to my tiger Mom’s training.
I was the master of ceremonies telling the whole school what to do in morning assemblies.
(Can’t believe I was speaking loudly in front of the whole school.)
I won the first prize in calligraphy out of the whole school and represented my school to compete against others. I attribute my painting skills to my early calligraphy days.
I performed the full set of gymnastics choreography on the sports field in front of the whole school.
My friend told me I was quite a popular figure in school.
Other kids who I don’t know would recognize me and call out my name in public places.
However, I can’t recall much of those school days because I was busy achieving perfections.
In Junior High
Back at my time in high school, Taiwanese schools still had the rule of cutting girl’s hair to the length of 3 centimeters below ears (basically the hairstyle I currently have now). Boys had to cut their hair to military butch cut. In order to keep my long hair, I heard that if I join the special dance class in school, then I didn’t have to cut my hair.
I tried and I got in, so I received professional dance training for 2-4 hours a day throughout those 3 years in junior high school while still studying hard to prepare high school entrance exam. My school days started at 7:30am and ended around 10pm because I went to cram school, even on weekends to study harder after my normal school.
My dad was working in Lesotho back then. My mom and brother went to visit in a summer vacation, but I rejected the opportunity to see a different country and my dad with them because I put a lot of pressure on my academic performance. I chose to go to cram school every day in that summer vacation instead.
Those 3 years were hard, but not as hard as my senior high years, which I will tell you later.
After the high school entrance exam, I knew the following 3 years will be even tougher to strive academic performance with little time for anything fun. I asked mom if I could go to the UK to experience different cultures. I had the idea of visiting Cambridge in the UK because there was a poet in text book called Xu Zhimo
(徐志摩) who wrote Saying Good-bye to Cambridge Again
(再見康橋). My ascendant sign Pisces was emerging a little with my romantic fantasies.
At the age of 13, I had my first experience abroad by myself without family.
I went for two months with my bestie with our poor English .
It was my first culture shock and eye-opening experience mingling the West.
Senior high school
After two months of care-free fun time in the UK,
back to reality in Taiwan. I went to Taipei First Girls’ High School. It’s a school where only 1% of the girl in Taiwan can enter according to our entrance exam marks. Fortunately/ or unfortunately, I miraculously entered this historical school which was founded in the Japanese colonial time with all other top intelligent girls.
When I realised my marks were high enough to enter this school,
people around me started to treat me differently, especially the teachers.
They looked at me as if I achieved something extraordinary.
It seemed to be an honor to be able to enter this school that every girl dreamed about without a doubt.
However, it was not so much of a school but a jail to me.
There was no expression outlet like I used to through dance. Art classes were stuffed with more tests that couldn’t be finished in other subjects.
In the first year, I was crying almost every day because my ego still wanted to control the marks and eyeing the top 3 rankings.
It was just impossible to compete with all the other talented girls with super high IQ.
My incredible mom saw me struggle so much, she would help me take days off and take me to amusement parks, so I can release stress by screaming it all out. (My mom is really cool.)
My ego was crashed. I was constantly tired being a studying machine craming boring text books into my head.
I had to accept my position and let go of my ego.
It was dark but my first soul awakening experience.
(Who would know about what soul wants in teenager years though?!)
I now thank that time for crashing my ego, so I can let go a bit in life.
After 3 soul draining years, at 17, I signed myself up for a one year exchange program,
with mom’s support of course.
This time, I was going to explore American culture.
Unlike the first two-month UK experiences, this one year in the states caused bigger impact on me,
the real culture shock.
I stayed with a Mormon family who have 7 kids. My host dad was a medical doctor and my host mom owns a dance studio. I was chosen to stay with them because of my dance experience.
I went to church with grandma when I was little but I really experienced church when I was in the US.
All the exchange students in Moses Lake high school from all over the world.
It was my first time really mingling with people from various cultures
and being able to communicate fluently in English to express myself.
It was still a lonely time that led me to discover myself deeply, luckily, a lot through art.
I not only danced a lot at my host mom’s dance studio.
I also really got into ART around that time.
I had to choose 4 subjects for the first semester. I already chose 3 normal subjects that I was familiar with in Taiwan, English, History and Math.
When I had one left without knowing what to choose, my host Mom, Peggy suggested “Why don’t you try Art?”.
I had resistance and told her “It’s not my thing but I can give it a try.”, out of politeness.
I knew I was good at studying but not so good at creating.
(I only wanted to do things I was good at. How close-minded I was!)
Mr. Melby
My favorite art teacher, he recognized my talent and allowed me to skip all the other classes to stay in his room all day. In his safe space, I fooled around and played with all sorts of mediums.
Other teachers would come to his classroom to look for me, but he never forced me to leave.
He even knew I was flirting with a boy in the back room, but just let me be.
He was a legend indeed!
After my first assignment, the black and white shading one on the left,
I surprisingly found I got so lost in the process, into a meditative realm, not knowing how I created it with my hand.
I forgot it’s something I used to enjoy when I made Xmas cards before teenager years,
One work after another one, they all brought me great satisfaction.
At the American public high school, Moses Lake High School.
I had the chance to learn basic art techniques and tried different mediums.
After finding art, finally without the pressure of academic performance,
I skipped all the other classes to paint in art classroom all day.
That was the first time I was feeling so rebellious and free.
At the end,
Peggy saw my talent and asked “Would you like to paint some Disney princesses to pay for your dance tuition fee for the whole year? I’ve got the canvases already ”.
Hell yeah! I’d love to!
It was the first time using my talent to exchange something materialistic.
It was also the first time to experience how my art can bring value to and transform a space.
The last few months before leaving the states, I was busy finishing 10 pieces of princesses.
On some days, I started painting after waking up and still painting before bed.
I couldn’t be happier.
During my exchange year in the states, I had the chance to visit New York and Vegas.
New York
How fortunate I was to explore the world so much in my teenager years.
Vegas
Some very American experiences worth mentioning in the US were the high school dances
which you attend with a date.
It was such a different experience than Taiwan.
In the states, they encourage you to go on dates and teach the boys to be a gentleman to treat girls like a princess. I absolutely enjoyed the times of dressing up in formal dresses treated like a real lady.
In Taiwan, most parents would be worried and forbid their kids to have girlfriends or boyfriends too early.
We should focus on studying to achieve academic performance.
Homecoming
First time wearing a formal dress and curled hair in life
Homecoming is the first dance of the year when the new semester begins.
- Sadies -
A more casual dance which you wear matching T-shirts with the date.
I can’t remember why we made cookies, but it was fun to go with my host sister, Kylie, for sure!
Prom
The most memorable one especially for senior students who are graduating from high school.
Why was it so memorable?
It had to start with the invitation from a boy I was seeing.
One Sunday afternoon when we came back from Church, I saw all these balloons on my bed.
There was a hand-written note in each single balloon, saying something sweet about me.
It took me a while to pop all the balloons even with my host sister’s help.
In one of the ballon was, “Would you go to prom with me?”
Could it be a more romantic surprise?
Of course, I do!
My dearest host sister Kylie who is talented at making cakes and cookies did my dreamy hair.
She was also a great dancer and singer. Could she be more talented?
I was really feeling like a Disney princess!
Group photos were FUN! (starry eyes)
Last one, I think it was a church dance that I attended with my host sisters.
The one helping me with pinning my dress was Kylie,
whom I still adore and love very much.
I’m so thankful for having her during my stay.
She took care of me with great love and made me feel comfortable to call it home.
My English wasn’t too good when I arrived but talking to her with ease helped a lot.
After one year there, I could finally say I speak English fluently.
She was definitely my best friend at that time.
Coming back to Taiwan, I attended National Chengchi University, which was the top 5 in Taiwan.
I double majored in ‘German and Advertising’.
It was a weird combination that has nothing to do with each other.
I originally chose German with my college entrance exam marks and then was drawn to the creative side of advertisement and marketing, especially graphic design.
Not knowing I had to create to be happy and be able to sleep.
I made only a little art in Uni time.
I signed myself up for an art class on Fridays hoping to enter the design field.
That designer dream never materialised,
but I always felt happy and fulfilled walking out the art class on Friday night.
Defeated by graphic design softwares,
I wasn’t creating much as I expected,
but I learned about PR and marketing basics.
I still prefer to create with hands than softwares.
This is has never changed.
( I see UK influence heavily in my collage. Perhaps I was dreaming about going to the UK already in Uni.)
In Uni, I got to explore another culture, German.
I don’t usually tell people I studied it for 4 years because I lost all my German without using it much.
The first summer vacation of Uni time, I signed myself up to a working holiday program
without thinking it through.
I didn’t know the real situation and have wrong expectations.
I thought it would be fun and joyful as when I was an exchange student,
(silly inexperienced young me)
It’s completely different to enter the real world being a worker.
(It’s definitely not all happy and fun as the photos.)
My first real job was a housekeeper in a historical railway hotel called Belton Chalet
and a buzzer in two restaurants.
Being a spoiled Taipei girl who didn’t have to do much housework in my family,
Actually, I was totally into the materialistic world and drinking in night clubs.
I was shocked I had to clean the toilets and change sheets.
There was even no Wifi at the hotel?!!!
Of course, I tried to fight back the reality with my strong will.
I cried to the hotel manager that I wanted to leave and asked Mom for help to get me out of the hell.
Thanks to the firm manager who told me to deal with my own shit without holding expectations and
go enjoy nature like everyone there,
I discovered the healing power of nature and my innate love for nature.
I celebrated my 21st birthday with Slovakian friends with their national liquor called slivovitz (70%).
I jumped into the river from a bridge, not being a strong swimmer, but a drunkhead!
The river was freezing cold in the night in high mountains even in summer time.
The next day, I still had to clean rooms.
I was vomiting in toilets and cleaning them up in multiple rooms,
the worst hungover in my life for sure.
Thanks to my tiger Mom who cut off connection with me completely for weeks,
I learned about my capacity to deal with any circumstances in life.
I still remember I cycled 40 minutes to a golf course just to find Wifi to chat with mom.
The last Skype message was ‘she wanted me to overcome difficulties because it was my choice to go there.
She won’t show up on Skype anymore.’
There,
I was forced to be in solitude in nature without Wifi.
I had to take biking trips and hiking trips alone because we workers had different days off.
At the end,
I managed to clean rooms like a professional housekeeper.
I made friends from different culture.
I was reborn like a phenix, happy and fulfilled with 300USD in my bank account.
‘
Second summer vacation in Uni,
I chose to do something easier, a travel study in Germany this time.
We had the coolest professor in Uni time who’s true to himself.
He was the one who led us to Trier to experience German culture.
I got to travel and enjoy Germany with my beloved Uni friends.
It was a care-free and precious memory indeed.
Back in Uni in Taiwan
I reconnected with gymnastic coach and took a part time job teaching kids gymnastics on weekend.
It seems like I’ve always been teaching since Uni time.
So far, I’ve taught gymnastics, English and now ART.
I once had a class of 80 students when I was teaching English.
Standing on the stage came naturally from my dancing years.
I guess I’m a natural teacher with my nurturing and sensitive personality.
In Uni time in Taipei, with my drinking, partying and skipping classes lifestyle,
I forgot about art expression and nature which make me happy.
I only remembered dancing helped me release energy and depression.
I was still actively involved with dance, but street dance this time.
The summer after graduating from Uni
I chose to go to the US for an exchange year.
Brother chose to go to Germany for his gap year.
The same year, I was finished with Uni years.
We are lucky to have parents that support and encourage us to live abroad when we were young.
The summer vacation right before I left for the UK for my master’s,
Mom and I met up with brother after his gap year to travel in the south Germany and Prague.
In that same summer, I also flew to West Coast, Australia to visit my then ex-boyfriend, right after the Euro trip with Mom and brother.
How privileged I was to travel so much in my early years!
UK time
Another phase of my life began when I went to Leeds, UK to study my master’s in Fashion Enterprise.
It’s a completely different subject, not related to my previous studies at all.
I was drawn to the beauty and creativity in fashion.
I embraced my fashion identity fully, as you can probably see.
It was a time to use creativity to dress myself up and chase trends.
I had fun being a spoiled girl always wanting more, thanks to my parents’ unconditional support.
(Thankfully, I’m nothing like that anymore.)
It was definitely an eye-opening time to absorb all the creative energy to cultivate my eyes for beauty.
Fashion girls in the clothing shops was like a kid in the candy shop.
At the very beginning of the semester,
a very rich man I met in a night club in Taipei invited me to go on a one-week trip with him in Scotland.
I wasn’t so sure about going because I had to skip a week of class, but I’m glad I did.
It was a fun, adventurous and spoiling trip for a normal girl like me.
It was a once in a life time experience indeed.
We drove from London, all the way up through Glasgow, highland, Isle of Sky and finished in Edinburgh.
He was so rich that he had personal assistant to arrange private jets and prepare all the things we might need for the trip, everything you can imagine, snacks, umbrellas, even warm clothes and rain boots for me.
I stayed at 5-star resorts/ hotels that you can’t normally book unless you have an American black card.
There was a lot of walking and hiking in nature, such a memorable experience still.
5 - Star castle
One of the places we stayed. It was really a princess life with room services, grand gardens and 24hr personal butler.
When I wanted to send a little post card to my girlfriend in Taiwan, the butler just told me to give it to him and he will deal with the post. I was shocked and so not used to all the things in that world.
The memory finished in the Christmas market in Edinburgh.
The story finished as the trip ended because I was too young and too different from him.
I’m glad was bold enough to have some crazy experiences when young, definitely no regret.
The Christmas holiday in the UK for student is long, almost a month long.
I took the advantage of the first Christmas to explore Europe HARD.
Slovakia
I first reconnected with my Slovakian friends whom I met when I did working holiday in Glacier National Park.
It was the first East European country that I visited.
The weather was cold but the people and food warmed my heart tremendously.
They are friendly and hospitable like Taiwanese and really treated me well.
I couldn’t have had a better time without them.
Their Christmas market was magical and wonderful.
I ate so much yummy food, one after another one, never stop.
Slovakia is a country with lot of vast nature.
It’s not a rich country, which again I think it makes people more friendly.
I was blessed to see endless mountain ranges, stayed in a cozy mountain lodge.
It was just a very happy trip over all.
After that,
I went on a grand tour with a classmate exploring France, Italy and Spain
for the rest of our Christmas holiday which lasted about 20 days.
I think the way we planned it was look at the cities on the map and googled the photos of them to decide if we want to make them as a stop along the way.
It was a spontaneous trip, sometimes, booking or changing the accommodations on the go.
It was a great adventure trip seeing all the different parts of those 3 countries.
We focused on France and Italy heavily of course because we were fashion girls.
France
Paris —> Colmar —> Annecy —> Marseille —> Aixen Provence —> Cannes —> Nice —> Eze —> Beaulieu-sur-Mer
I enjoyed reading on the train rides seeing all sorts of scenery passing by.
I was addicted to diet coke during a long period of time in the UK.
It’s incredible to think back that I was pouring acid chemical into my body every single day.
No wonder I was always craving.
Italy
Milan —> Venice —> Florence —> Pisa —> Rome
Spain
Barcelona —> Madrid
Apart from studying and buying materialistic goods,
I also got to enjoy the countryside of Yorkshire,
thanks to a dear friend :)
I was always fascinated by these purple and yellow flowers that sprout in sprint time in te UK.
I didn’t know the name of this flower, so we called it Tricia flower.
Now, I know the name is crocus and it has bulbs underground!
We’d go mushroom hunting and wild garlic picking.
I felt very happy walking in the woods.
Somehow, the universe always sends me male angels to drag me out into nature
since I was the only one that didn’t know I needed nature and still resisting to be in touch with nature.
A bit of art that I made during the lonely time in Leeds.
During Easter holiday
The Easter holiday was long for a master’s student in the UK,
so I flew back to Taiwan to get some much needed family time.
It happened to be the spring time in season of the cherry blossom in Japan.
Mom treated us to have a girls’ trip together.
Taiwan and Japan are very close with much shared history,
so I’ve been to Japan counteless times growing up.
However, I’ve never experienced something like seeing pink mountains full of cherry blossom everywhere.
You see what I mean pink mountains?
It was such a magnificent view.
We walked a lot everywhere, in the city and in the mountains,
all accompanied by cherry blossoms everywhere.
It was magical like being in the scenes of Japanese animations by Miyazaki Hayao (宮崎駿）
We used to watch his movies on repeat as kids.
Temples and traditional Japanese cuisines are necessary when visiting Japan.
After graduating my master’s in Leeds, I took the chance to take a solo trip to Norway as my solo graduation trip.
2015 September
Norway
In a solo trip, it’s way more easier to meet new people.
I enjoyed meeting different each single day.
Can’t believe I could have done that.
I was so different from me now.
I don’t really remember I befriended with a black guy.
He was probably the rare black and I was the rare Asian in a bar in snow white Norway haha!
A post I made back in 2015.
I couldn’t imagine myself living a hermit life, but it’s what my heart wants now.
Oh man, life is full of surprises!
Then,
I found an intern job in London doing fashion buying in a start-up,
mediating and negotiating with different brands for our select shop.
As a fashion buyer,
I got to visit London fashion week and attended shows for 2 years in a roll.
It was exciting, but also empty.
I fulfilled the dream of being a fashion buyer, but I guess I still didn’t understand the meaning of fashion.
Most of the designs were just attention seeking to me.
Fashion fades, style remains the same.
It was an exciting time in the big city for a small girl indeed.
When
I worked as fashion buyer in West London on weekdays,
I was exploring and being my true self raving in East London on weekends.
I was getting into the UK grunge, dark underground scene that I used to imagine
when I was in Uni doing the collage homework.
My favorite club to go is a small, you can even say a tiny techo club called The Pickle Factory.
It’s actually a warehouse that used to produce pickles!
I often danced till sunrise on Saturdays to let out all the loneliness and anxiety I experienced in London.
It’s not so much a hook up place as you think because everyone is just there deep in their zone to dance,
which is why I liked it so much there.
I didn’t have to talk to people, but just dance for hours.
Walking in the dark night alleys in east London was not a problem for me at all.
Arriving at midnight and leaving at dawn.
The skylight above the DJ was not an artificial light but real sunlight coming in.
After dance
On the way back on metro, you could see how dirty my sneakers were because The Pickle Factory is a raw warehouse without fancy decorations.
In the end, I explored into the far east of London, into Dalston, where people would say it’s the poor, dodgy area.
In tour guides or a lot of Asian people would suggest avoid this area because it’s dangerous with crimes.
However, I find it friendly and feel like home in east London.
I somehow found it fascinating with authentic and soulful people and lots of street art!
Berlin
When I was in London, I also had a weekend visit in Berlin, a grayer colder steel city.
It’s a city rich in culture and displine with 24hr warehouse night clubs.
Partying for days, going to the club and coming back home to rest and going in again is the norm for Berliner.
I was lucky that I got into Berhain.
It’s famous for being the most exclusive, hard-to-get-into nightclub in the world. Even Elon Musk was denied by the face-tattooed man dressed in head-to-toe black leather door man.
While I was cueing to get in, roughly 2 hours, I saw hundred of people in front of us were rejected.
Usually, the ones that didn’t look cool enough.
The Asian students dressed in expensive fancy clothes and the ones who look too flashy and happy in colorful clothes.
Luckily, I was in my comfortbable all black clothes and trying not to smile or look too friendly at all.
I got accepted by the hardcore tribe.
And of course I danced hardcorely until early morning.
A mark the proved I went into Berghain.
Now, it seems silly to want to belong to a perceived cool group.
Why the longing to belong so much?
Why we had to be inauthentic to belong?
In London, apart from going to the boring gym, I tried a bit of pole dancing and aerial dance,
something completely new and different from what I’ve tried before.
I didn’t master them, but dipped my toes in.
Although London was an exciting and colorful city,
I also experienced the worst loneliness and depression in this big city.
It’s so grand with so many activities to do, but not many people to truly connect with.
I had some of the best time in my flat where I was lucky to be able to call it home.
My flatmates were Carmen and Vanessa.
They had completely different personlaity.
Carmen was a loud dramatic Spanish lady and Vanessa was a sensitive French lady.
I learned about self-care through my French flatmate, Vanessa, a lot.
Everyone was going through a of turmoils in life in London.
Everyone seemed to be tired and depressed most of the time, especially in winter time.
I was so blessed to have these two ladies in those dark lonely times.
However,
Christmas in winter time was absolutely magical for me coming from Asia!
All the Christmasy lights, gifts, and decorations created tremendous fantasies for me.
My happiest time during that period was my gateways from the big city, London, to the countryside of the UK.
Before leaving the UK, I took a solo trip to Croatia.
It has been long enough after two in London, working 9-6.
My soul is crying for a getaway to seek new adventurous.
Somehow I saw the cheap flight ticket to Croatia.
I just booked the ticket and went alone.
It became such a memorable trip in my life.
Now thinking back,
I was so fearless and brave to explore a totally new country on my own.
People in Croatia don’t even really speak English.
While I was waiting for the bus, and old grandpa offered me his cigarette. I just smiled and waved to say no. It’s not a rich country. People there are genuinely friendly and willing to help. I felt very safe in Croatia.
I guess it’s because I was so free and true to myself surrounded by nature, leaving all the materialistic fashion and big gray city behind.
Walking on the wooden trails built above lake surface
Memorized by the experience of walking above clear water seeing countless fish swimming underneath my feet
Walking in the Plitvice Lakes National Park is like walking in a fairytale land.
Everything I saw was surreal beyond my imagination.
You see what I mean ‘fairytale’ right?
In Zadar, I thought I saw the most beautiful sky in my life.
Of course, it was because I was free with rose-tinted glasses on.
I was also naively comparing to the experiences in my home country in Taiwan.
But that’s so unfair.
When did I allow myself to look up to the sky when I was drinking and partying,
sleeping until afternoon, dreaded to wake up every day?
Walking on the old street of Zadar, into every ally possible without worrying about getting lost.
I would just keep walking until I feel satisfied to see every little corner of the city.
Walking by the coast under sunshine, listening to the sea organ with sunset.
I was immensely in love with Zadar with all my senses open to the fullest!
China
2017
After saying goodbye to London reluctantly due to visa issue.
I had a period of uncomfortable time coming back to Taiwan, my home.
My heart still wants to explore the world and travel like I did before.
I found another fashion buying job based in Beijing.
This time it took me to inner Mongolia, Chengdu, Beijing, Shanghai and Milan.
Inner Mongolia
A place I experienced the hospitality of the People on Horseback (馬背上的民族).
Also I drank way too much Chinese distilled spirits with their genuine hospitality under the starry sky.
Chengdu
I found Chinese culture beautiful and vibrant for the first time.
Growing up in Taiwan, with similar culture as Chinese,
I had seemed to always find Western culture more dazzling.
Beijing
An overly crowded big city, where everthing and everyone was loud.
The gray sky was even grayer than London’s.
It’s a place I’m still avoiding, even if it’s just transferring.
I can’t find any other photos in Shanghai.
It was a period of constantly moving and flying for no reason.
We were nonstop working on laptop and replying to her msgs till we went to bed.
We weren’t really getting any job done but feeding our narcissist boss’ ego, which I will introduce to you later.
Kuala Lumpur
I spent few nights in a 5-start hotel and shared a room with my buying supervisor.
My last fashion trip was to Milan.
My narcissist boss then ordered me to spend one to two weeks with her in the name of a buying trip.
At that time, going to a different country became not as exciting anymore.
I wondered and walked a lot on the streets of Milan, seeing all the fanciness and soulless materialistic goods.
Luxury goods were a source that made me excited studying Fashion in the UK.
At this time, I was feeling noting but numbness.
I guess I was genuine, naive, kind and healing, so she chose me to go on this SACRED trip with her, just us two.
It was basically an abduction because I had to stay in the same apartment with her for two weeks,
waking up working for her, going to bed listening to her personal gossips and all the mind-manipulative bullshit.
She cooked dinner for me and took me out to dine with many Italian designers.
I managed to snap this photo while still working on endless spreadsheets.
The one with short hair was my evil narcissist boss.
She was in her 40s and divorced 3 times.
She wasn’t doing the business with her own money, but lying to and talking the Chinese boss into investing her deals.
She was so good at talking and made us betray our Chinese boss.
At the end, my photoshop skill was improved by making fraudulent contracts with inauthentic signatures.
I became sick coming back from the trip and became totally awake from my fashion dreams.
2 0 1 8
Back in Taiwan
I started making art again during those insomnia nights with job hunting,
not knowing what I should do next.
2018 Jan.
I met a South African man called J-D.
We were 28 and 34.
I experienced what MADLY in LOVE was.
Nothing mattered and I was fearless.
We watched many sunsets on magical this rooftop.
That was the first time I realised the summer sky in Taiwan could be as beautiful as Croatian sky.
I finally started to appreciate my own home country better with the existence of J-D, through his eyes.
We were young & wild.
Dancing all night was not a problem at all.
February 2018
First trip together to Thailand
Two new love birds, everything in Thailand was colorful as fxck.
May 2018
First Organik festival together
July 2018
Moving into a loft house together,
we painted the wood and transformed the interior by our minds & hands.
I started to get more planty and creating more with the safe environmnt and encouragement he provided.
I was teaching English part time and painting part time.
August 2018
We discovered a magical place which became a beach house shared with dear friends for the next 4 years.
It was such a treat to spend a weekend there during my birthday month, now thinking back.
We picked many beautiful rocks on the beach and kept them in our house for years.
He always picked shells, wood and rocks when he travels to a new place.
I appreciate him for doing that.
They are real treasures for me, better than any store bought products.
Both sunny day and rainy day, no matter what day were good with him.
With him, I changed from sweat-hating fashion girl to a nature-loving artist.
Loving nature has always been in me.
I appreciate him for waking her up.
Wondering in nature with him was always fun.
2019 January
We hiked up to Hehuanshan with a friend in a freezing winter time.
Very inexperienced and under-prepared,
we thought we were almost cold to death sleeping in the tent without the right equipment in winter in the high mountain.
He was slapping my face to check if I was still alive from time to time at night.
2019 February
We went to Japan together.
It was freezing cold and I was under-prepared again,
thinking I managed the coldness in the UK wearing pretty clothes before.
I could handle the coldness in Japan like a champion.
In the end, it was so cold that I started to have hallucination walking in the snow storms,
but it was still a memorable trip indeed.
J-D is from the sunny South Africa, so seeing so much snow couldn’t make him more excited,
as you could see that he wished to burry himself in the deep snow.
A wreath made with the pinecones and leaves collected in Japan
2019 June
We made a grand trip to France and you can see the Parisian sky impression
.
2019 September
Hong Kong trip before it’s taken back by the Chinese government.
J-D visited HK again this year in 2023.
He said it’s no much difference than before.
I wonder if it’s really the same as vibrant than before when it was free.
2019 November
I visited Barcelona with Mom.
There, I saw the original work of Picasso.
It was a city of ART with organic shapes and vibrant colors.
However, I was going through a period of difficult time losing myself in order to claim my artist identity.
I didn’t enjoy Barcelona to the fullest and even had fights with Mom at dinner while drinking sangria paid by her.
I was blinded by my thoughts, fighting my own money-oriented values and trying to prove my worth without making money with my art.
2020 January
Cambodia with J-D
It was my first time visiting a third-world country.
Growing up as a Taiwanese, I’ve always been visiting first-world countries which are more advance than Taiwan.
Cambodia experience was an eye-opening one.
I came back to Taiwan loving my home country much more.
Cambodia is a mixed of heaviness and simple happiness.
Between 1975 and 1979, a genocide led by Pol Pot killed between 1.5 and 3 million people in Cambodia, which is about one third of the population was gone.
Most of the Cambodian people were simply happy they can be alive,
even though their government is very corrupt.
We visited one of the genocide site, seeing broken bones everywhere still even though they’ve been picking them up and putting them into displays. They are still discovering more genocide sites all over Cambodia.
There was a big tree that was used to smash babies’ head by grabbing their feet to swing their head towards the tree trunk because they didn’t have proper killing tools to kill so many people as rural farmers.
This was a very ironic photo with slums of local people living by the river without basic infrastructures
and an empty fancy hotel built by the Chinese that lit up all night long.
First time wearing a mask for COVID
On our flight back, it happened to be the first few days of the outbreak. Not knowing what a pandemic really was, we put on our first masks for COVID because Cambodia is so close to China. Three years later, some people still wear masks in public spaces, especially the hospitals.
Travel had been restrained since then.
I disconnected some relationships and even isolated myself to focus on creating better works.
2021 July
I quit English teaching and became a full-time artist.
I was finally able to tell people what I do.
I’m an artist.
I paint.
In the following month, I launched my first collection officially.
August 2021
While I was spending more time alone at home working hard to claim my artist identity,
J-D was embracing his identity of passionate mountain biker and Vice President of his sports event company XTERRA.
2021 December
I visited South Africa with J-D and met all his family during COVID time.
I had first game reserve experience seeing all the wild animals.
It was wonderful meeting all his family for the first time and I got to meet his dad before he passed away.
Istanbul, Turkey
The trip back home was rough and incredibly long, but it turned out to be a great blessing.
Let’s started from our landing in Istanbul.
When we landed, the snowstorm was kicking in.
We originally planned to stay one night at the airport hotel to wait for our flight back the next day.
(Below pics from left to right in liner time order)
Some flights started to get cancelled, but ours was just delayed.
We were still happily enjoying a beer and delicious Turkish food.
After a sleep, we checked our flight again and it was suddenly canceled with all the other flights.
People whose flight got canceled started to flock in the airport hotel counter.
The queue was so long and the hotel room was extremely expensive charged by hour.
There was no way to stay at the hotel for another night.
Even the airport staff told us that there’s no way to get out.
We better just stay inside and keep waiting for the storm to pass.
Like the birds caged in, we looked the all white outside world and felt hopeless.
The whole airport was packed with people who couldn’t leave.
We finally found a place to lie down on the floor amidst all the other frustrated passengers waiting for the good news that no one knew when will come.
Both frustrated and exhausted, we had a fight and being angry at each other.
While we were lying on the floor, J-D didn’t want to give up but keep trying to get out of the airport.
Suddenly, an Uber driver accepted his request,
but he can’t come to pick us at the airport because the roads to airport were blocked due to heavy snow.
He told J-D to meet him at the closes gas station, which was about 20 minutes walk.
The driver was messaging J-D in Turkish, all their conversation was done by google translation.
Coming from sunny South Africa in Summer, we were in shorts and summer shoes.
If we wanted to walk outside, we needed to get some warm winter clothes to walk in the snowstorm.
We rushed to a clothing store at the airport and got some wintery coats and pants.
Then, we started looking for the entrance to exist airport, despite all the staff told us that we should stay.
Not knowing where the gas station was exactly,
apart from trusting Google and hoping the taxi driver could make it without canceling on us,
We marched fast in the crazy snowstorm without speaking any words,
me in my white converse, J-D in his black Vans.
After getting out of the slippery icy airport parking lot, the snow started to be deeper.
Each step was difficult with pulling our feet from calf height snow.
Our shoes and socks were thoroughly wet by then.
Finally, we made it to the gas station appointed by the Uber driver.
Now, all we could do was pray for him to show up as he promised.
Luckily, a car appeared towards us!
Our Uber driver showed up and we got in the car with heater.
J-D booked a hotel while we were still at the airport.
However, the driver couldn’t promise that he could take us there because most of the roads were closed.
He could only take whatever roads were open and tried to find a hotel that he saw along the way.
The driver had to turn around many times on different roads because of closed roads.
It seemed to be the longest ride in my life.
Cold and tired with warm heater, I drifted into sleep trusting J-D and the taxi driver.
Finally, he spotted a hotel which was a quite a fancy one,
but we had no choice but took whatever we could.
All we wanted were a hot bath and sleep.
There, we spent our second night in Istanbul.
The next day, waking up and checking the weather and flight schedule, it didn’t look like we could go home yet.
My parents were messaging me they saw it on news that Turkey is having the worst storm in decades.
‘Yup, I know. We are in it.’
Many cars were just abandoned on the highway with no one in the driver’s seat.
The next possible flight back home is in another two days.
‘I guess we will have an extended holiday in Istanbul’, J-D said.
He booked an airbnb and we ventured into city centre afterwards.
The rest became one of the most surprising and fondest memories to date.
Istanbul is a fascinating melting pot mixing both the eastern and western culture
due to its geographical location.
It was one of the most powerful and richest countries in the world.
It was such an exotic city to both of us that we both had deep rose-colored glasses on during our stay.
The rich culture and crazily delicious food left great impression on us.
I guess it was also an unexpected surprise that made us fall in love with it so hard.
I will never forget our romantic walk on this pier,
imaging how the merchants worldwide used to do business and exchange exotic goods here.
Sadly, the people in Istanbul is suffering hard due to their poor ecnomic position in the world nowadays.
The waiter at a bar told us that the local people couldn’t even afford to pay for food and electricity bills because their currency is so low compared to others.
Only tourists can have a good time in Turkey, not their own people.
I found the people there genuinely nice and friendly.
Again, I think it’s a trait of poorer countries where people don’t have much money and live a simple life.
Finally, back in Taiwan
When we were still in South Africa, Emirates canceled our flights twice without any notice or explanations.
We were left with no choice but cancel our quarantine hotels and rebook others multiple times.
The government rules keep changing for different countries at that time.
We were not clear how many days we had to be quarantined while it was freaking difficult to find a room to stay with Chinese New Year.
Luckily, we found a quite nice hotel at the end.
We were lucky to be able to stay in the same room at that time,
but I don’t want to remember too much of the painful time jailed inside a room for 15 days.
I missed my family and I missed the last Chinese New Year’s eve with grandma before she passed away.
All the video calls without physical face to face felt like nothing to me.
2022
The following year, I was becoming aware how withdrawn and anti-social I had become.
It was starting to affect my mental health.
My relationships start to crumble.
I was so focused on claiming my artist identity.
I forgot I was also a daughter, a grand child, a sister, a friend and a girlfriend.
I was so disconnected and didn’t know how to feel happy or excited outside of my painting table anymore.
Therefore, I thought it was time to step out of my lonely painting world and connect with people.
I was also thinking…
there was not much time left to show grandma what it was like with my choice to be an artist and that I have a lot of people supporting me on this journey.
She always worried about me and wanted me to go back to find a stable office job.
I so wanted to prove to her that I can do this.
I so wanted her to be proud of me.
So I worked hard on my first physical exhibition after coming back from South Africa for months,
despite that it was still in pandemic time.
2023 May 16th
Right before the first exhibition, grandma left us peacefully. I’m glad I could be with her in her last few days. She left in my hands with her eyes wide open looking at me and took her last breathe.
2022 June
We happened to find a new place around the same time. Although a lot has been going on with grandma’s death and preparation for exhibition, it seemed to be illogical not to sign the contract and take this place immediately.
It was a big space with lots of possibilities.
2022 June 4th
First Solo Exhibition
That summer after my first exhibition,
I achieved something big, but my relationship with J-D also started to disintegrate.
I experienced a very painful dark night of the soul.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I couldn’t feel other emotions apart from shame, guilt and resentment.
I left J-D for two weeks and started talking to a therapist.
2022 August 1st
Same summer, J-D’s dad died.
He went home for a month.
It was a very dark time for both of us.
The whole August,
I spent time in the void, not knowing who I was and feeling his grief on the other side of the earth.
It was the start of my spiritual awakening.
I numbed myself hard with substances and put all my creativity into our new home,
to make it nice for J-D’s home quarantine when he came back from SA.
You can see more about how I transformed the place in the stories HERE.
2022 December
I visited SA again with J-D and we stayed two months this time.
You can see it by clicking the button
After coming back from SA, my new goal this year was to hold workshops.
So far, I’ve taught about 10 workshops, people at all ages, the youngest ones were 3, at home and at other organizations that I work with.
And I must say I really enjoy it :) especially when I see the smiles on people’s face when they leave the safe space I provided for them to play.
2023 June
One year after moving in, the backyard is getting closer to my vision.
At the same time, I feel ready to launch another collection.
Somehow, it always falls in early summer when I feel ready for collection drops.
The following month, end of July, the fiery month of Leo season, my relationship with J-D hit the wall.
(Now thinking back, no wonder I was affecting so much. My Venus is in Leo!)
We said goodbye to our 5.5 years relationship together,
and I left all the things I created in the new house behind with gratefulness.
This time, I’m not as scared. I’m not as attached.
Everyone is on their own journey, even the plants, too.
I’ve created it once before and I’m confident that I can do it again, but even better.
I’m ready to start over fresh, everything on my own this time.
This summer, I dived in deep into spirituality, especially psychology and astrology.
I can now read my own astrology chart!
There was a long period of time
Roughly in the past 2-3 years, I could not feel my emotions apart from shame and guilt, a lot of resentment.
I felt like a dying corpse when the spirit is about to leave the body.
The first emotions I retrieved back were frustration and anger.
Even being able to feel angry again felt wonderful.
Now, in September, I’m feeling happiness and excitement.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
How alive I feel again!
As my therapist often says,
There’s no new Tricia.
There’s only more integrated version of me.
The hundreds, thousands versions of Tricia in the past have always been in me.
I just despised and forgot about them.
Now, I recognize them and love them back.
Now, can you see how Lilith strongly infuses her energy throughout my life?
I thank her for guiding me to create chaos to crumble my life, so I can have a chance to look at my shadows, to heal and to be reborn, like the phenix rising from the ashes of its predecessor.
I’m blessed to be able to remember and embody them again through writing this blog post.
And I’m grateful that I get to share it with you in my little Internet corner here.
Thank you for existing and being who you are in my life.
One exiciting news I want to share is that I’m going to ITALY and travel with my parents for two weeks.
Do come back to check on me and follow along!
I wonder which Tricia I will be to meet you again when I come back ; )